Love, Love
by Lavinia Swire
Summary: The seven loves of Edith Crawley. Written for the Looks of Love Challenge on the Downton Abbey discussion forum.


**As always, I don't own Downton Abbey. **

**Written for the Looks of Love Challenge on the Downton Abbey discussion forum. **

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><p><strong>I. Platonic love<strong>

Edith has always known without knowing that her parents love Mary and Sybil more than her.

Mary has always been there, two steps ahead of Edith. She does everything first, she is braver and funnier and cleverer than Edith and Papa adores her. Sybil is the youngest, the protected baby of the family. She had nearly died when she was born and Mama loves her dearly because she so nearly lost her.

Then there is Edith. Not the prettiest, not the brightest, not the oldest, not the youngest.

But it doesn't matter. When Sybil clings to her hand as she toddles carefully along the hall, or when Mary whispers to Edith that she's found a new secret hiding place in the garden and the three of them can try it out that night and see how long it takes the nurse to find them, Edith knows that her sisters love her. And even though they are each so different, and despite the fact that she is always overlooked, Edith loves her sisters more than anybody else.

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><p><strong>II. One-sided love<strong>

When Edith had been younger and ignored she had fought for attention, screamed for it. The tantrums of child Edith had echoed around the halls of Downton. It hadn't worked, of course. Her behaviour had only resulted in a smack or a demand to "stop that horrible noise at once" from her irritated father.

Now Edith stays quiet. She hears her mother praise Mary for her mastery of her latest piano piece. She sees her father hug Sybil each morning when she runs into breakfast. She peers around the library door and watches Mary reading with Papa while Sybil giggles from her hiding place underneath the desk and Mama pretends not to see her.

Edith loves her parents. She just hopes one day they will love her as much as they love Mary and Sybil, the favourite and the baby. She's sure they will. Someday, soon.

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><p><strong>III. First love<strong>

It's not really surprising that Patrick Crawley turns out to be her first love. He's the only boy she ever sees who is actually allowed to speak to her. He's always kind to her. They're friends. And – later, at least – he is supposed to belong to Mary. That's enough for Edith.

Edith knows that Patrick is meant for Mary. She's known about the heirs and the entail for as long as she can remember. But she's fourteen and lets herself dream of choosing her own husband, of marrying for love. Whenever Patrick is at Downton she pretends that there is a future for them, one without Mary looming as Patrick's wife, one where she could marry Patrick because she loves him, not because of money or titles or the entail.

He kisses her on the cheek and she thinks that this is love, because she's fourteen and she wants to believe it and she doesn't know what will happen in the years to come.

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><p><strong>IV. Romantic love<strong>

She is older now, older and wiser.

She knows that her parents will never love her as much as her sisters. She knows that Patrick would have married Mary if he hadn't died. She knows that Matthew isn't meant for her either.

There's a glimmer of hope, as there always is. A day out seeing the churches. She glances at Matthew's face as he looks upwards, the coloured light from the stained glass falling on his face, and she wishes more than ever that she could be the oldest, the prettiest, the first choice.

She allows herself to think that Mary won't want him – she has bigger fish to fry, she said. Perhaps if Mary doesn't want him, Edith can have the one she loves, just this once. Even though the idea of scrounging Mary's leftovers leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, she loves Matthew and she'll swallow her pride this time, if she gets the chance.

But she knows in her heart that if Mary changes her mind she will stretch out her hand and take him. And, sooner or later, she does.

Even when Edith tries her hardest Mary effortlessly outshines her. It's so unfair, she thinks, that when Mary doesn't even like Matthew, and after everything she's done, she still gets what she wants in the end.

But then, she knows that Mary is prettier than her. She knows Mary is smarter and more charming than her. It's just humiliating knowing that she won't ever be loved while Mary is there, looking on.

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><p><strong>V. Doomed love<strong>

She can't win against Mary, not when it comes to this. Patrick, Matthew, even Sir Anthony, who Mary doesn't even like: they all choose Mary over her. And when Mary can't win, or doesn't want to, she ruins things for other people.

Edith loved Patrick, but even if he hadn't died she knows now that he would have married Mary, no matter how much Edith cared for him. She loved Matthew but he was never hers in the first place – ever since their first meeting it had been Mary, Mary, Mary. She loved Sir Anthony and had been so close, until Mary ruined everything.

She sees Patrick's eyes meeting hers across the table as Mary smiles demurely from his right and their parents comment on how _wonderful_ this all is. She sees Matthew watch Mary moving around the room as she talks to Sir Anthony, her hand resting possessively on his arm. She sees all this again in her mind as Sir Anthony turns away, leaving the garden, and Mary smiles.

As the clouds roll in and the announcement of war sweeps around the garden like a cold breeze, Edith feels more alone than she has ever felt in her life.

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><p><strong>VI. Intense love<strong>

Edith never believed before that love could be inspired from hate.

She certainly hates the car to begin with; its pedals and gears seem to be designed simply to confuse her, and just as she thinks she is getting used to it, the engine stalls or the clutch sticks and she wants to scream.

But when at last the car does what she wants it to do, when she can work the clutch every time, when she is in control of where she goes and what she does, she loves it. She adores the feeling of freedom; she starts to dream about it, driving and driving and never having to stop. She loves it so much it scares her to think about going back to how everything was before the war.

At last there is something that is hers alone, something that is not Mary's.

She loves the car, the driving, but that's not why her heart is skipping in her chest. She is in love with her new sense of freedom and with the idea that she is finally first.

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><p><strong>VII. True, but not necessarily perfect love<strong>

You couldn't think of it as perfect (unless you call several false starts, a meddling sister temporarily ruining everything and a four year interlude in which millions of people die a perfect romance).

Their wedding isn't perfect: Anthony stands on Edith's train and rips it, making Mary smirk, and Edith struggles to get the wedding ring onto Anthony's finger.

But Edith's loves have never been perfect. She certainly isn't perfect herself. And to have someone finally choose her over Mary and love her for herself truly feels like perfection.


End file.
